Are You My Daddy?


            I spent five years of my life slaving away as a teacher at a private Christian school.  That would be Christian with a small ‘c’. Trust me there was no money in it, and actually no compassion, common sense, or Christianity.  The school had an interesting work environment; imagine the Island of Misfits from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. Trust me, it wasn’t just the kids, but the staff had some real issues. 

            The superintendent, Nick Stoll, had never work outside of a Christian environment.  Well that’s not exactly true, he did work at a car dealership for a day, but the swearing and guy talk caused him to quit. The principal, Mark Maximus, had lived a semi-sheltered life as well, with the exception of the 4 years in the porn industry, while working his way through Bible College.  This was the leadership team built at Winslow Christian Academy to mold and prepare young minds for the real world. Oy-vey!  

            One day, Mr. Maximus found a white powdery substance in a book bag. He and Mr. Stoll called me to the office.  I once was a cop, and they wanted my thoughts on their find.  I arrive to find the bag open, powder on the index fingers of the gentlemen, and a pair of glassy eyed looks. When I asked what was going on Mr. Stoll told me that they had, just like on television, tested the substance by wetting their fingers, dipping in the bag, and placing said finger into mouth. Of course, they had done this after trying to smell the substance.  What chance did the students have?

            Ahh, the students. My friends, if you think things in this country are screwed up now just wait! These kids can’t put a phrase together. They bitch about writing a two page paper. “Man, I can’t write two pages.” Well no freaking wonder, you don’t use words. Ppl u r ur lol. What the fuck is that!

            The “internet age” has hurt the way the people communicate to each other.  Sure we are engaged in conversation, but it is by text or social network.  In an effort to recreate facial expressions or mannerisms that help us understand what we are saying, many try to punctuate there postings by using emoticons. :-p

            TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS TO EXPRESS ANGER OR EXASPERATION is considered poor taste. However >_< or {:-( are acceptable.  This new language could represent the end of comedians everywhere.  By typing instead of talking we often misunderstand the meaning of the message, or start to read into what is really being said, until we have totally blown the message out of proportion, or have earned another ulcer by over analyzing a harmless message. //:-{

            I became so frustrated with the lack of effort in some of the kids that I stopped asking the kids, “What are you stupid or something?” ‘Cause, trust me, they ain’t something.

            I taught a Bible Class, yeah I know; I can see the rolling of the eyes. I only taught the basics; you’re going to hell.  Sex is bad, drinking is bad, and having a sense of humor is bad. Everything you like is a sin.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-God, anti-religion, maybe; anti-God, no.  I just think that the worst thing about Christianity is Christians.  Organized religion does more to turn people off to religion than Satan does!

            Some fucking churches have more rules and regulations than the IRS, but I digress.

(Hey would you mind holding this lightening rod.  I worry when I start talking this shit.) Anyways after spending some time covering the basics I gave a quiz.  One of the questions was, “Why was Jesus it necessary for Jesus to be born of a virgin?”

            My favorite answer?  “So no one would know who the daddy was.”

            Right, I can see it now, the Virgin Mary on the Maury Povich show.  A line of camel cabbies, shepherds, and tax collectors taking paternity tests, and Maury announcing, “You are NOT the father!”

            Maybe Springer would be a better fit, “My cheatin’ girlfriend claims virgin birth.”

“Yo mutherfucker, you ain’t even got up in this shit. What makes you think I givin’ it up somewhere else, bitch! You best sit your ass down Joseph.”

            Can you just see Jesus walking around Nazareth asking, “Are you my daddy?” But wait; if Jesus is God in the flesh, He would know that He was his own Father! Man is that messed up!!  Talk about a heavy therapy session! Middle-east my ass! That sounds more like West Virginia to me! Hey Jesus, meet my sister-mother. Hey I’m my own Father! Beat that!        ​​