Drugs and Mice


            People who give drug tests have no sense of humor.  I applied for a job recently and had to take a drug test.  So, I go to the testing facility and the girl says, “You here for drug testing?”  And I say, “Yeah, can I start with a little pot?” Needless to say I somehow managed to fail the test.

            I have been asked in the past if I ever experimented with drugs.  This question is often asked because I seem to have many mental issues.  Well let me put your questions to rest.  Yes in the past my friends and I experimented with marijuana.  We wore white lab coats and safety glasses to protect ourselves from harm.

            One of our favorite experiments, which we conducted on behalf of NASA, was tying a mouse to a balloon and letting him, or her, soar upwards.  We did find that balloons with helium worked better than ones filled with second hand pot smoke.  We wanted to test the ability of the mouse to escape from the balloon as it lifted. 

            We tried putting peanut butter or cheese wiz on the string to encourage compliance, but these failed.  What actually worked best was string cheese, and while messy, it pushed our testing to a new level.   Of course this was not without some cost. After one day of experimenting with the string cheese, we noticed there were several bloodied mouse carcasses on the street around us. 

            This of course led to the development of the mouse parachute.  We figured that by tying a rip cord to the rear leg of a mouse, the panicked, spasmodic motions would case the chute to open.  While the chutes did work, the mice had a tendency to get dragged along the ground smearing themselves on the road.  This of course led us to develop little football helmets for the mice, and that one innovation led to what we now know as the MFL.