One Thing Leads to Another


           The president, a white cop and a black Harvard professor walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the fuck outta here.  Nobody cares!"

             Everyone is trying to figure out who to blame for our fucked up society. I blame the media.  Michael Jackson dies and we get five days of coverage on TV, the newspapers and radio.  Sure it is tragic that he died, unless of course you're the parents of an eight year old boy, but do we really care that much?  And come to think of it has he actually been buried yet.  The last we saw was MJ being wheeled into some sort of hotel.  Maybe he faked his death like Elvis and instead of driving a truck around Mississippi; Michael is working in a day care facility.

            What kind of a sick puppy wants to have sex with kids.  I pretty libertarian when it comes to sex, I mean it doesn't bother me who, how or why you sleep with someone, but kids that's just fucked up.  I was sitting at Starbucks one day observing and making notes for some comedy bits I was working on and this guy sitting next to me starts up a conversation.  Now, if you’ve never been to a Starbucks in a mall setting, early in the morning, let me tell you there are some real hot mothers hanging out.  They walk around the mall in their spandex outfits, pushing their strollers, getting back into shape.  Yeah you know the ones I mean. Hot looking, don't need to work out, but love being looked at . . .  yeah them.  

Anyways after a few minutes of small talk the guy says, "Wouldn't you like to tap that?" I look over at this smoking hot brunette in her late twenties, wearing this hot pink outfit that left no questions of her muscle tone, fitness or the temperature of the room.  I said, "Man you'd have to roll that outfit off of her like a stocking."  He's like, "Girl? I'm talking about the baby!"    

            First I'm concerned that I must look like a child molester, second I'm silent screaming, “What the fuck is the matter with you?  Are you fucked in the head?"        Then he starts telling me if I eat veal or lamb, I'm no different than he is in the grand scheme of things. I could tell we were going to get nowhere in this conversation, so I planted a pair of baby booties in his shopping bag and called the police.

            However, he did cause me to think about a couple of things, like do pro-lifers eat scrambled eggs?  What about eggbeaters, sure it’s man made, but wouldn't that be like some sort of stem cell research technology?  What kind of terror must strike the chicken community when Easter is just around the corner?  Farmers everywhere are taking chicken fetuses to be boiled, poached and dyed.  Oh the humanity!  Will we wake up one day to a great chicken uprising, with burning barns, torched farm land and overturned tractors?

            These are the things that haunt me.  And it all starts with the media.