I tried expanding my mind, but found expanding my waistline was easier.

 If things are always darkest before the dawn; are they brightest before the dusk?

 In the art of self-promotion, I was demoted. :-/

 Hey, I lost my shadow puppets! Can anyone shine some light on the situation?

 If only some of the people from your past would stay there. What a wonderful this would be!

 I don't get it. Why does everyone have a steak in the outcome? Why not a chicken? And when did outcomes start making ovens?

If suicide is killing yourself,
And if homicide is killing someone else,
Would spermicide be killing the future?


Wouldn't it be great if the government treated us like our wives . . . then it would stop fucking us too!!

I’m not worried about losing my sanity, I’m afraid I’ll find it.


Often when faced with two choices, I have chosen neither.

On second thought, I shouldn't have had the first thought.


If I go to an acupuncturist and I feel better after he pricks my ass, that doesn’t mean I gay, does it?


I never found a job I couldn’t lose.


Some say politics is a high calling; I must have been high when I got the call.


Were the wieners named after the Oscars, or the Oscars named after the wieners? More importantly; how can I get a ride in the Wienermobile?


If I was found guilty of killing time, I wouldn't get any jail time then, right?


I was experimenting with my twitter in Starbucks and some old lady hit me with her cane!

Saw a shirt-How's Second Taste? Which I guess is better than-How's Number 2 Taste?

I tried expanding my mind, but found expanding my waistline was easier.

If things are always darkest before the dawn; are they brightest before the dusk?

Even when I'm alone, I'm not by myself. That's not a bad thing, is it?

Things were going great until Monday realized what day it was.


In the art of self-promotion, I was demoted. :-/


Hey, I lost my shadow puppets! Can anyone shine some light on the situation?

Random Thoughts