Simple Cremation



            I was driving the other day and I saw a sign that started me thinking . . .

            I saw an ad, “Simple Creamation $695.” Is there any other kind? It would seem that in general, cremation would be a fairly simple process. Basically you are burned with intense heat until ashes remain. You go in on a slab and come out in a ziplock bag. Other than the cost of the urn and, perhaps, the cost of the gas to ignite you; it should be a very cost effective way to place you in your favorite resting place. After that you are placed on a mantle in a loved one’s home. I don’t know, seems pretty simple to me.

            What could make cremation difficult? I mean do they give you a list of choices? Can you order a rare, medium, or well, simple cremation? It would be rather sad to think that your remains would be treated like a steak.

            It would seem that a rare cremation would require a bigger urn as you would still be pink and bloody on the inside, or perhaps you just get a bad sunburned look. Maybe you’re so fat that it takes six guys to push you in the crematorium. As you burn the fat drips dousing the fire and they have to keep cleaning and restarting your barbeque. Perhaps you’re not fat, just big boned and it takes longer to make you ash.

            It could be that your family wants you to smell better in the afterlife and decide that you need to be aromatized during cremation. If you like wine, maybe an oak smell is added to your session in the oven, or rose pedals. It could be possible to add Old Spice to the mix and get rid of that lingering body odor. I would imagine that a creative, and vindictive, family could come up with a pleasing scent and sell your ashes as “Dad’s Potpourri.” What better way to payback old dad for years of abuse than by having his ashes sitting on numerous toilets around the country?

            These are the thoughts that occupy my mind while driving.