Stream of Consciousness

Does Jesus have x-ray vision?

I had to Pay six hookers so I could perform tonight, aah, the joys of open mic nights. Well the Parks Patrol is out there, so get a hand or blowjob to help offset my costs. I really can’t afford to pay six hookers for three hours of time. So after spending some time with the Parks Patrol, please, if you leave a balled up, cum filled napkin on your table as you leave show some respect, tip you waiter or waitress accordingly. Hey, I’m here to help.

I don’t get it. Think how much the economy would benefit if (pot) and prostitution were legalized. The tax revenue could build schools, pave roads and quite possibly balance the budget.

Guys, I know you’re with me on this. Stay with me here ladies, my argument actually holds water. Prostitution is a business. When I go to the doctor and he sticks his finger up my ass, it’s not cheating. So if I pay a female entrepreneur to do things my wife won’t, it’s a business transaction, not cheating. Right guys?

It is the same with porn.  My first wife would get all bent out of shape because I would watch porn. (If you saw my ex-wife, you’d understand why I watched porn.) However, in most cases ladies, we don’t do it for us, we do it for you.  It is not pornography; it is a training film. Sure we may get excited, but it is only in anticipation of how we are going to satisfy you.

Hey don’t look so disgusted.  Heads down and eyes closed, no one looking around if you watch porn slip your hand up, holy shit, this reminds me of my days as a Baptist preacher. “Do you know Jesus?”

Did you ever wonder if Jesus got the best pot?

Think about it, I mean after all Jesus is God in flesh, therefore, Jesus/God could create the pot right there in front of you.


“Far out Jesus. Hey what do you call this?”

“I named it after Mary Magdalene, Marydojuana”.

Some think that water into wine was the first miracle, bullshit! It was Doritos. How great would hanging with Jesus be?  You’d never have to buy dope or suffer from a hangover.  I could dress up like Moses for Halloween, and spend the evening parting the pussy. Could Jesus make my dick bigger? Hell hanging with the J-Dog, you wouldn’t need Viagra, and the women would be cured of their STDs before you fucked them. Damn, what a life. I shoulda been an apostle.

Hey don’t judge me, when I’m older and closer to death I’ll start ragging on the prophet,

Mohammed, Allah. I mean those intolerant motherfuckers have no sense of humor. Well that’s not totally true. I once was in an Islamic comedy club and some members of the audience were laughing their heads off. Maybe not laughing. In fact, I think they were getting their heads lopped off.