​Surveillance


           There are so many surveillance cameras today that I’ve applied for my SAG card.  That way I can charge companies, local, state and federal government agencies a fee each time I make an appearance on screen or tape. For example, let’s say the TSA does a full body scan.  If they film it the cost would be x dollars; if they just use a still photo, y dollars. I should get a spot on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and be able to retire in two years.  My agent is working on residual rights.  People in the business tell me that is where the real money is.

            Which reminds me, I’m not allowed to fly for a while.  The last time a TSA agent searched me I came, and then gave him a $20 tip.  However, the local police arrested him for prostitution and me for soliciting.  Obliviously this created a big scene. In the confusion, a panic started and flights were delayed, re-routed and the airport was closed for two hours.

            Once things calmed down, the handcuffs were removed and the black sack pulled off my head, I realized I was in Camp Gitmo.   Fortunately, I was only there a short time.  To protect myself I told everyone my name was Porky Pig.  This created a stir among many of the detainees.  I started a small riot during a game of tag after I touched one of the Muslim participants.  They were offended to be touched by pork, as I was unclean.  Lucky for me that no one wanted to touch me or things might have gotten worse.  I was escorted out the gate by a couple of Marines.

            As luck would have it, I was able to catch a ride back to the states with a Cuban family on a 57 Chevy.  I don’t think I’m an illegal, but let’s just keep that between us, just in case.